The Self-Saboteur (One Shot)

[Mir]

The little bell at the top of the corner bodega in Flatbush, Brooklyn rang as Benedict Fowler walked through. He had his hood up and he wanted to be in and out as fast as possible. There were a lot of things on his mind and he had places to be. Things to do. People to see. All that sort of shit. The one thing he couldn’t do was waste time. Checking his watch, Benny saw he was still on schedule. He walked over to the soda section and opened the fridge, grabbing an orange sports drink. Heading back towards the counter, he fished around in his pocket, dropping money on the counter. He already had the amount counted.

“Hey, wait a sec.”

He closed his eyes. He had almost been to the door. “What’s up?” He asked, half looking over his shoulder.

“You’re that guy,” The man behind the counter said.

“That’s like super helpful.”

“The guy from the news. The sports guy.”

Benedict turned. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Man, what happened?” The guy asked. “You were supposed to-”

“Yeah, I was.” The words carried an air of finality.

Benedict walked out of the store and down the road, hunching up. He hadn’t needed that unnecessary reminder of what had happened. He re-lived it every day. Extreme sports was a thing he loved, and he had placed that love above his career. He had gotten injured doing a stupid stunt and that had impacted his ability to join the Olympics in swimming. The odds of him making the team had been high too. Even though it had been months ago, he shook his head in frustration.

The anger of it all was still there.

He was angry at himself.

What caused him to do this shit to himself? Why did he self sabotage like this?

The injury had robbed him of his speed. His ACL had needed to be fully healed and with the Olympics right around the corner, not only had he lost his ability to make the team, he had hurt the one thing that felt easy for him. It didn’t make any sense but at the same time, it made perfect sense.

Every time he got close to accomplishing his goal, he did something dumb and hurt himself in the process. The hurt wasn’t always physical, it was often emotional or mental. Benny had broken things off with Raquel right when they had gotten to the point that they were ready for the next step. He had broken her heart and he’d known it. That had been back in college. She hadn’t deserved that. Especially not the way he had done it either.

Benedict still remembered the tears coming down her face before she had left. Anger had been there, of course, but there had been such a level of hurt, Benedict hadn’t known what to do with himself. They had known each other since they had been kids growing up together in Brooklyn. She had been over his house a lot growing up, he had been over hers. Everything had been great. They’d been on again off again since high school and into college.

But he’d never hurt her like that.

Still walking, he headed downstairs into the New York City subway system. A Metrocard swipe and he was on the train headed into the city. Benedict closed his eyes, resting his head against the wall of the subway car. Despite everything, she had reached out when the news had broken of his accident. She was trying to amend the relationship. At least get them to the point they were talking. He didn’t know what she was up to after they had graduated college. People tried to tell him, his brother tried, but he didn’t listen.

He didn’t want anything to do with her. The farther she was away from him the better.

He knocked the back of his head against the wall a few times. As if this was going to knock sense into him and get him to change his ways.

Benny Fowler was just built differently than most people. He could see his goals and maybe it was fear, fear of being seen. Fear of having to finally accomplish the goal that caused him to self sabotage. He wasn’t sure. But he knew what the end result was.

Sitting in a subway car on his way into the city when he should have been at least holding bronze on an Olympic platform.

His swim times were amazing and his speed and agility were second to none. There had been high hopes for him in this Olympic cycle.

He opened his eyes and looked around the subway car. Glad that no one had recognized him, Benny tried to figure out why he had even been recognized in the bodega. It’s not like swimming was that popular, especially in New York. There were other things to be concerned about.

Was it selfishness?

The thought popped into his head. Benny had long ago felt a level of selfishness about himself. On the one hand, he could identify it for what it was. On the other hand, he didn’t remember being like this as a kid. Maybe it had developed after his parents got divorced. His mother had left, after her infidelity had been discovered. His father had done his best to keep everything together. Maybe that was it. Maybe he had learned to take after his mother. Take what you want and don’t give anyone else anything. Maybe it was a knee jerk reaction to finding out that his mother had wanted something other than him, his father and his brother.

She had chosen herself over them and in response Benedict had started to do the same. He couldn’t be hurt by people if he put himself first.

It wasn’t the first time the thought had come to him. It probably wouldn’t be the last. Usually it left him as quickly as it came. Benny was loathed to allow anything from his mom to be the influence on why he was the way he was. Then again, maybe that mindstate was what caused it to happen. Benny shook his head. No matter how you sliced it, Benny was a mess. He always had been, and it seemed as though he always would be.

His older brother was different.

Abe was a good guy and he was always trying to look out for his brother. Benny had fucked that relationship up too over the years. Yet Abe kept coming back. Maybe because he was his brother. Maybe because he was just a good person with a kind heart. Abe was constantly trying to find ways to put other people first.

Benny’s phone buzzed and he pulled the phone out of the denim jacket he wore over his hoodie. Abe’s ears had to have been burning with Benedict thinking about him. His brother had texted him to let him know Benedict’s appointment time was still good.

At least he’d get a chance to see his brother today.